High Performance Leadership

 "An enemy is a person whose story we have not heard." -- Gene Knudsen Hoffman Without contrary evidence it always seems like we're right. Even WITH contrary evidence we get stuck often defending our story, our view. The story may not be wrong, but it is surely incomplete. Listen. Ask questions. Understand. Learn. High performance leaders look for common ground. -- doug smith

Adversity creates urgency for you goals.  You might not want the conflict, but it just might catalyze your actions toward success. Find the good in it and move ahead. Any important goal will spark a bit of conflict. Use that energy to help you achieve your goal. -- doug smith

If conflict is inevitable, shouldn't we just get really good at resolving it? -- doug smith

Of course we disagree. We're not even sure if we agree with ourselves. One of the many prices of constant change is the ambiguity, the uncertainty. That can create a kind of low-grade anxiety that keeps us stuck. Pull away from that. Keep moving. As my fire fighting friend Nick used to say, quoting a line from the TV Show "Taxi" whenever anyone asked him how he was doing: "Bobbin' and weaving, bobbin' and weaving." In other words, staying in motion. Finding that anyplace is a place to start, and the adjusting never ends. How are you doing today? -- doug smith

Solving a problem is challenge enough. Adding personal and cultural differences to the mix confuses conflict into the situation. Centered problem solvers sort out the interpersonal difficulties and focus on the process behind the problem. Most of the time, when we solve the process problem, the people problems are much less significant. And still we must solve the people problems as well. Here are some antidotes to the poison of culture clash: respect, clarity, understanding, taking the time to find and create shared meaning. Trust. And, let's not forget the most powerful help: love. Culture clashes create problems within problems. Understand rather than undermine. Reveal rather than conceal. Heal rather than steal. You can not only solve the problem -- you could also build better relationships. -- doug smith

Is there a way to keep couples from drifting apart? Will adding one communication tool make a significant difference? Tammy Lenski gives us a writing exercise to help marital couples in conflict. It should only take about seven minutes each time. That seems like an excellent use of seven minutes, to dramatically improve communication and connection between two people. I think it could also be useful in professional conflicts as well. Here are the steps that she outlines: How to do it The writing intervention should be done by both people in the couple. After a significant conflict, write about it from the perspective of an impartial observer who wants the best for you both . How would they describe what happened? What view would they take of the conflict? Also write about what could prevent you from adopting this “neutral observer” point of view during future marital conflicts and what you can do to overcome those obstacles. If possible, identify even a single positi...

Is your team in conflict? If your team is large enough (say, more than three people!) that's about like asking if they are breathing. Put people together, and you will find some conflict. Some conflict is necessary to work thru issues, to generate new ideas, to test assumptions. Too much conflict and the team loses effectiveness. As leaders, we must keep listening to our team. What's going on that drives them crazy? Where are they running into struggles? Who is having trouble getting along? Reducing the conflict on your team will liberate more creativity. How? Make sure that people can express themselves and that when they do, that they agree to communicate with respect. A little respect goes a long way, but a lot of respect is needed to keep a team going. Other ways to reduce the conflict in your team include making sure that you have agreements on roles and responsibilities. Seek and arrive at clarity on who does what. Make sure that your people have the tools t...

"When I make my enemy my friend have I not destroyed my enemy?" -- Abraham Lincoln Do you have any enemies? Enemies are hard to deal with. They oppose us. They demonize us. They violate our values and breech our assumptions of peace and healthfulness. They stand in the way. They do us harm. I do hope you aren't experiencing enemies of that nature. But many people are. What's to be done? We so often select violence as the solution and yet, how has that worked so far? Any violent solution to an enemy problem simply sows the seeds for future conflict and more enemies. We can't fight our way out of a fight. An enemy does not need your help to find a reason to oppose you. They will develop reasons of their own. Challenging those reasons, opposing those view points simply fuel the enmity. Work the relationship not the reason. Not easy. Not always possible at first view. Seldom safe. But what if we stayed truly curious about what is going on? What if we ...

What's your reaction when you find yourself in conflict and yet you are absolutely sure that you're right? Do you dig in on your position? Do you redouble your efforts to convince everyone of your position? Or do you stay curious? Do you stay open to learning? The more certain I am that I'm right the greater the opportunity there is to learn. The next time you are absolutely sure that you're right try asking yourself -- what can I still learn here? It could change everything. -- Douglas Brent Smith

Have you noticed? When you're excited about something, when your blood is really moving inside your body, when you emotionally react to the way things are going, there is often a conflict involved. Do you pay attention? Do you slow down enough to center yourself? There's a message in there for you. There is feedback, a promise, an opportunity, a solution to be discovered. Conflict is trying to tell you something. Conflict is there to get our attention. Are you tuned in? -- Douglas Brent Smith

How can conflict build relationships? Truly important relationships are at some time tested. Difficulties, troubles, sickness, challenges, all face a relationship with the possibility of creating a wedge -- or a bridge.  Some of my longest term and deepest friendships have been with people I didn't get along with at first. We disagreed passionately, and yet learned to respect each other. Centered leaders see conflict as a way to build, rather than harm relationships. Conflict shows our true character. Conflict heats our emotions, raises the stakes, and creates a new focus on our performance. When we feel ourselves in conflict, we can do these things to hold compassionately to the relationship: Clarify the information you have. Often conflict is a misunderstanding Ask detailed questions and listen with your head AND your heart Identify what people really need in the situation. It may not be what they're asking for Center yourself -- find your sense of balance,...