I'm Sorry Is Not Enough

Dorinda and I watched Lance Armstrong confess to doping. Oprah did her usual great job of inquiring without judging, and yet asking questions so frank, so disarming that Lance simply answered them in what appeared to be his most honest approach. He may be sorry. I'm not here to judge. But sometimes he didn't seem completely sorry, and was not prepared to do much but talk about it.

This is topical and someday we may all forget about Mr. Armstrong's disgrace and his apologies. I mention this because it has become expected that famous people, flawed like the rest of us, who commit terrible indiscretions or hurt other people at some point do their public very sincere apology and expect that all be forgiven. Or, at least forgotten enough so that they can continue to do what they do and prosper. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way the damage has been done. Saying "I'm sorry" rings a little hollow and lands incomplete. Those harmed remain harmed.

"I'm sorry" is not enough. We learn from 12 step programs that whenever it does not create more harm to do so, we owe the people we have harmed an amends. We need to make it right. We need to pay them back, perhaps three-fold or more, for the harm that we have done. If we stole $100, we should pay them back in a value of $300 or more. It's not easy. It's deeper than words. It's more lasting and more significant.

As high performance leaders it is easy to overstep our boundaries. In the name of results we can harm others, sometimes mistakingly and sometimes through a narcissistic oversight. That's one reason we need feedback from trusted confidents as well as from people we might not really want feedback from but who will give us completely unfiltered insights into our behavior.

And when we do cross the line, when we do harm, we need to make it right. Saying "I'm sorry" is not enough. Compassion is wonderful, and sometimes a great start toward justice.

Think about someone you've wronged. Is there a way that you can make it up to them today without re-harming the in any way? And, if not them, can you make it right to the universe? Show the courage that it takes to make amends.

Try it. See how much more authentic that is than simply saying "I'm sorry"...

-- Douglas Brent Smith

Five Lessons From Lance Armstrong's Failure

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