When The Truth Requires Clarification

Have you ever thought that you understood something, only to later discover that you didn't get it at all?

Have you ever been deceived by a "near truth" that you had wanted to be true and so you filled in the blanks that weren't there, only to discover later that it wasn't true?

The truth takes work.

What we believe, and what is true are not always the same thing. While we can (sometimes) control our beliefs, it takes more work to dig down and discover the truth behind a statement, a story, a view.

The truth often requires clarification. Shared meaning is not automatic.

I remember times when I truly wanted to believe that what someone was saying resonated with the truth because I liked that person. And, they may have believed that their statements were true. But, I've learned to be careful about "versions of the truth" and "degrees of the truth. The best way to find out if someone is SAYING what you think you are HEARING is to clarify. Ask for examples. Ask for them to restate what they've said. Ask them to put it into context with one or more of your values. Ask them the magic unquestion:

"Tell me more about that."

Dig deeper.

Sometimes it makes for an uncomfortable moment.

"What do you mean? Don't you get what I'm saying?"

"Maybe I do, but I'm not sure. Could you say it in a different way?"

"I thought you were on my side..."

"I didn't say that I wasn't on your side. I'm not sure I understand what you said, though. Could you give me an example?"

It is worth that moment of discomfort NOW to avoid the slow unwinding effects of misunderstandings LATER.

In the end, we aren't decided truth so much as we are seeking shared meaning. When you say "entitlement" do you mean what I think you mean? Are you making a judgement or just a statement? Is there a better way to say what you really mean? Or, have I truly understood your meaning and find that we disagree?

Conflict exposed is something that we can work on. Conflict buried or hidden is an unresolved problem that will eventually damage our relationship.

Why not deal with our versions of the truth now?

Why not find out if we agree on what we're saying to mean the same thing, whether or not we agree on what to do with that.

"Because when you say entitlement, I'm thinking "earned benefit" that we've paid into our whole careers...is that what you mean?"

The truth often requires clarification.

Centered leaders clarify meaning, rather than taking it for granted. Centered leadership seeks shared meaning.

Today, pay attention to how many times you think you've understood a word or phrase that can have several meanings. When it is appropriate, stop the conversation just long enough to see if you share meanings or if you have disparate meanings. Wouldn't you rather know now than later?

-- Douglas Brent Smith

Leadership Teleclasses and Workshops

Comments

A Promise or A Plan?

Which would you rather have -- a promise, or a plan? I love promises. When some people make a promise to me I know that it is as good as done. They are reliable, trustworthy, hard-working creative people who keep their promises. I'll take a promise from them any day. Promises can be problematic sometimes, though. Some people are not so skilled or willing to keep their promises. They may make a promise to move forward in the conversation (possibly because the conversation is deep enough to cause some discomfort) and yet have no intention of keeping that promise. That's not helpful. That's not what centered leaders are looking for. That's not how centered problem solvers operate. Promises are great and I'm also interested in the plan. What exactly are they promising to do and when will they do it? What's the plan? Picking a promise over a plan is a risky way to solve a problem. Problems respond better to the actions completed in a careful and thorough...

High Performance Leaders Combine Courage and Compassion

What do people look for in a leader? I believe that there are four key strengths that leaders must develop: clarity, courage, creativity, and compassion. As leaders we should develop these in connection with each other. I was thinking about this as I was leading a workshop on controlling chaos yesterday. When we are leading our way (and others' way) through difficult situations it is no time to be shy. It's not the time to sit back and wait for something to happen. It's not the time to get passive. High performance leaders make their expectations clear. They raise the bar. They look for people to give their best, speak up, and be assertive. It's easy to go over the edge, though. It's easy to fall into an extreme. Leaders do it frequently and are often portrayed in the media as strong and confident even though that occurs at the expense of other people's self-esteem and well being. Centered, high performance leaders do not lead and achieve at the expense ...

More On Learning

Even brilliant minds sometimes fall behind. Keep learning. I say it a lot, and yet can't say it enough: keep learning. That's a note to self as well as anyone else. What have you learned today? -- doug smith

Lead By Example

People do want to be challenged, but only by people who walk the talk. Leaders who demonstrate the character and discipline that they demand from others. What would your team look like if everyone on your team performed exactly like you? -- doug smith

One Generation Behind

It's not fair. It's not exactly logical. But how true do you think it is? Every generation creates its own problems -- and must solve the problems of the previous generation. Maybe it's the advance of technology. Maybe it's the quality of thinking. Maybe it's the incubator of time. What do you think? -- Douglas Brent Smith

Nothing Left to Give?

Saying that we did the best we ould and actually DOING the best we could are NOT the same and does not fool anyone. You'll know for sure when you did the best you could when there is nothing left to give. -- doug smith

Focus First

Ambition without vision consumes everything around it. -- doug smith

High Performance Leaders and Emotions

Are you an emotional leader? I had a boss once who put his fist thru a wall. He got lucky. If he hits a stud, it's a broken hand, at least. But he hit pure dry wall and his fist went right thru. He was making a point. I don't remember what his point was, but it was obvious that he was angry. He was also out of control. Leaders can't afford to look out of control. Scare your team and they'll lose productivity faster than you can say "update the resume." I've lost my temper, too -- but never put my fist thru a wall (at work. I did once in college in the apartment where I lived, but that's another story. Oh, yes I did fix the hole.) Sure, leaders can have emotions. But if our emotions get out of control they get in our way. Our teams panic. Our customers walk. Our families cringe. I'm not advocating any kind of flat line robotics here. Enjoy your emotions. Cry. Laugh. Cuss if you need to. Enjoy the joy that's there in lif...

Perception Frames Your Problem

How do you know for sure if something is a problem? If you see it as a problem, then it is a problem. Your perception will tell you -- not reality, but what you consider important about your reality. If you see it as a problem, shouldn't you do something about it? Centered problem solving sorts through our perceptions and checks in with the perceptions of other people who are effected by the situation. Emotions can trigger misconceptions, so centering ourselves and testing our assumptions is key. Then, if it's still a problem, it's time to do something about it. -- Douglas Brent Smith Bring our Centered Problem Solving workshop to your location and dramatically increase the problem solving skills of the people who attend.

Are You In The Mood for Problem Solving?

Have you ever noticed people getting grumpy, just when they need to be at their best? Problems can bring out the skepticism in us. They can rankle our intentions and sour our mood. When that happens, don't deny it. Experience it. Let it find you in the moment and then let it go. Are you ready? Let it go. We can solve more problems in a good mood than we can in a sour mood. While we can't force a good mood, there's not much benefit to holding onto a discontented one. It's served its purpose once it has your attention. As a problem solver, it's time to move on. If your role is the leader in the problem solving effort, it's time to create a better space. Bring some things into the environment to build more comfort, trust, and energy: - food - water - soft music - light - warmth - confidence - acceptance - appreciation What else could you bring? What works best for you? What would work best for your group? Sour moods serve their purpose -- but...

High Performance Leadership

Search This Blog