Feedback Gets You Deeper

The criticism kept coming in increasingly uncomfortable detail. It was so much to digest in one sitting. It was enough to make anyone defensive and resistant to change, and I could feel myself heading that way.

That moment when the other person's voice fades into the white noise of your head and echoes like a meaningless harp in the distance. That moment when we shut someone off.

But I told myself to stay focused and attentive. I remembered that I was hearing one filtered view, but that I could still learn from it. Whether or not what she said was true, there was something creating that perception. Now was the time to understand, not influence, that perception.

The mistake I've often made in receiving critical feedback is trying to change perception on the spot. It doesn't work. That person has entered that space with that perception based on what has already happened outside that space. The place to influence that perception is the space that gave birth to it.

Now was the time to understand. To learn. To assess. And then to change whatever needed to change. Maybe it was the other person's perception or, gasp, maybe it was my own behavior.

I could still feel myself perspiring, but now it had a purpose. Now the meaning was longer term and more beneficial. Now I could show that feedback helps the other person (and myself) get deeper into what's going on. Whatever our perceptions were going into the interaction, how we react can lock us in or get us deeper. It's more useful to get deeper.

Instead of defensiveness, try asking questions. If the data is flawed, questions will point that out. If the questions confirm what you've resisted, you now have opportunity. No matter what, it was a chance to learn more about that other person than either of you may have suspected. It's a chance to take your relationship to a deeper level of understanding and respect.

Feedback is a chance to learn and to show the depth of your character.

Whether or not the feedback is true or warranted isn't even in the range of questions.

-- Douglas Brent Smith

Interested in learning more about feedback and other important communication skills? Explore Communicating for Results.

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