Feedback Gets You Deeper

The criticism kept coming in increasingly uncomfortable detail. It was so much to digest in one sitting. It was enough to make anyone defensive and resistant to change, and I could feel myself heading that way.

That moment when the other person's voice fades into the white noise of your head and echoes like a meaningless harp in the distance. That moment when we shut someone off.

But I told myself to stay focused and attentive. I remembered that I was hearing one filtered view, but that I could still learn from it. Whether or not what she said was true, there was something creating that perception. Now was the time to understand, not influence, that perception.

The mistake I've often made in receiving critical feedback is trying to change perception on the spot. It doesn't work. That person has entered that space with that perception based on what has already happened outside that space. The place to influence that perception is the space that gave birth to it.

Now was the time to understand. To learn. To assess. And then to change whatever needed to change. Maybe it was the other person's perception or, gasp, maybe it was my own behavior.

I could still feel myself perspiring, but now it had a purpose. Now the meaning was longer term and more beneficial. Now I could show that feedback helps the other person (and myself) get deeper into what's going on. Whatever our perceptions were going into the interaction, how we react can lock us in or get us deeper. It's more useful to get deeper.

Instead of defensiveness, try asking questions. If the data is flawed, questions will point that out. If the questions confirm what you've resisted, you now have opportunity. No matter what, it was a chance to learn more about that other person than either of you may have suspected. It's a chance to take your relationship to a deeper level of understanding and respect.

Feedback is a chance to learn and to show the depth of your character.

Whether or not the feedback is true or warranted isn't even in the range of questions.

-- Douglas Brent Smith

Interested in learning more about feedback and other important communication skills? Explore Communicating for Results.

Comments

Measures Matter

Some people measure quantify first and quality later. Some people measure money first and impact to the team later (not even second!). How you measure productivity might determine your character and your reputation. Put people first. -- doug smith

Your Reputation

More authority means higher levels of responsibility. More power requires more service to others, not less. What you do with your power is who you will be known as. Also, how you use the power you have creates who people will remember you as. How do you want to be remembered? -- doug smith

What You Need

Use what you've learned to become what you need. -- doug smith

New Ideas

New ideas won't break you but they can make you bigger. -- doug smith

Personally

Improving performance does require us to take our work seriously. But it does not require us to take ourselves too seriously. Taking things personally is a waste of self-esteem. -- doug smith

For example

Get good at something that won't obsolete itself. For example: emotional intelligence creating great conversations encouraging people leadership What would you add to the list? Which ones are you developing? -- doug smith

Decide

What do you want? Are you getting what you want? Intention is direction. Decide. And, then go. -- doug smith

High Performance Leadership Combination

We can rationalize anything without making it justified. Leaders should always ask: who is this good for other than me? High performance leadership does NOT mean performance at any cost. It means performance that serves a noble cause while also benefiting people. High performance leadership is a combination. Results without relationships are shallow and temporary. Take care of both, and you'll be a high performance leader. -- doug smith

Start With Kindness

When you start with kindness you don't have to stay there, but you probably will. It works better for others. It works better for you. If you're human, you'll probably relapse. It does take practice to stay the course. The course starts by starting. When you start with kindness, it becomes more naturally the way. High performance leadership develops from the core leadership strengths of clarity, creativity, courage, and compassion. Build one of those strengths today thru some act of kindness and the others will get stronger as well. -- doug smith

The Problem With Compromises

Think about the last time you compromised on something. Whether it was a big compromise or a little compromise, how do you feel about it now? While we often call it "meet in the middle" it seldom does. Compromises are not automatically fair, no matter how implied that fairness is. Someone usually gets more out of a compromise than the person they are "compromising" with. If the low end is you, you don't like it -- and you remember that. If the top end of the compromise is you, you probably forget all about it even though the inequity simmers in the background. Compromises must be constantly revisited because they are inevitably unfair. If you get the chance to balance things out, your relationship will prosper. If you miss that chance, the relationship will suffer. What's your choice? -- doug smith

High Performance Leadership

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