Don't Just Go Through The Motions

Have you ever caught someone simply "going through the motions" in communicating with you?

They say the right words, their motions seems fine, they just aren't fully engaged in what's going on. They appear to listen, but it feels like their mind is somewhere else.

So many of us go through the motions. We read our mobile phones when we're with loved ones we seldom see. We keep an eye on the television while our significant others tells us something important (hint - when it comes from your significant other it's all important), we phone it in.

It's one of my biggest faults and it has recently come back to haunt me as I experienced that level of inattentive attention returned. It doesn't look mean, it doesn't look premeditated, and yet it hurts at a level that sinks gradually deeper until it can't be excised.

The other day I was riding my bike and I came upon a man playing with his dog. At first it looked really charming. The dog was very earnest in the pursuit of the ball that the man threw (using some contraption on a stick that kept him from having to bend over too far).

But then I noticed what the dog struggled with. The man was really paying no attention to the dog at all. He was occupied in a conversation on his mobile phone. He went through the motions, and kept the dog busy, but never gave the dog what it was really looking for: companionship, praise, feedback, interaction. They were just going through the motions.

It was profoundly sad in a way (granted, I'm going through some sadness right now that filters what I see, but still) because the dog wasn't really getting what the dog wanted out of the interaction and the man was simply fooling himself into thinking that he was keeping the dog happy. He wasn't. The dog was keeping itself happy, but missing what it cared about the most.

The following I write more for me than anyone else, and I hope others will also benefit:

Don't miss what you care about the most.

When someone is talking with you, give them your full attention.

When you have the opportunity to share your presence with loved ones: show up. Be there. Interact. Listen with curiosity. Enjoy the space between you.

When you catch someone "going through the motions" with you, call them out. Ask the what they really want in that moment. Maybe it's not the right time. Maybe they are avoiding the conversation you both really need to have. But whatever you do, where ever you are, do not ever settle for going through the motions again

Life is too short for that nonsense.

Action Plan

Really show up for someone today. Drop everything else that you're doing and give them their full attention. Live every moment of that time together, together.
When you catch someone else going through the motions with you (and you likely will) take a moment to smile, breathe, and gently remind them what you'd like to focus on. Remember - they're doing the best they know how to do in that moment - but you BOTH deserve better. Learn better together.

-- Doug Smith

PS: Thanks. This was a rough one for me to write because it's been one of my most challenged areas. I like to multi-task, I like to keep an eye on the ball game, I like to read the NY Times - but I'm learning to show up more for other people. Please, it's so important.

Comments

A Promise or A Plan?

Which would you rather have -- a promise, or a plan? I love promises. When some people make a promise to me I know that it is as good as done. They are reliable, trustworthy, hard-working creative people who keep their promises. I'll take a promise from them any day. Promises can be problematic sometimes, though. Some people are not so skilled or willing to keep their promises. They may make a promise to move forward in the conversation (possibly because the conversation is deep enough to cause some discomfort) and yet have no intention of keeping that promise. That's not helpful. That's not what centered leaders are looking for. That's not how centered problem solvers operate. Promises are great and I'm also interested in the plan. What exactly are they promising to do and when will they do it? What's the plan? Picking a promise over a plan is a risky way to solve a problem. Problems respond better to the actions completed in a careful and thorough...

High Performance Leaders Combine Courage and Compassion

What do people look for in a leader? I believe that there are four key strengths that leaders must develop: clarity, courage, creativity, and compassion. As leaders we should develop these in connection with each other. I was thinking about this as I was leading a workshop on controlling chaos yesterday. When we are leading our way (and others' way) through difficult situations it is no time to be shy. It's not the time to sit back and wait for something to happen. It's not the time to get passive. High performance leaders make their expectations clear. They raise the bar. They look for people to give their best, speak up, and be assertive. It's easy to go over the edge, though. It's easy to fall into an extreme. Leaders do it frequently and are often portrayed in the media as strong and confident even though that occurs at the expense of other people's self-esteem and well being. Centered, high performance leaders do not lead and achieve at the expense ...

More On Learning

Even brilliant minds sometimes fall behind. Keep learning. I say it a lot, and yet can't say it enough: keep learning. That's a note to self as well as anyone else. What have you learned today? -- doug smith

Lead By Example

People do want to be challenged, but only by people who walk the talk. Leaders who demonstrate the character and discipline that they demand from others. What would your team look like if everyone on your team performed exactly like you? -- doug smith

One Generation Behind

It's not fair. It's not exactly logical. But how true do you think it is? Every generation creates its own problems -- and must solve the problems of the previous generation. Maybe it's the advance of technology. Maybe it's the quality of thinking. Maybe it's the incubator of time. What do you think? -- Douglas Brent Smith

Nothing Left to Give?

Saying that we did the best we ould and actually DOING the best we could are NOT the same and does not fool anyone. You'll know for sure when you did the best you could when there is nothing left to give. -- doug smith

Focus First

Ambition without vision consumes everything around it. -- doug smith

High Performance Leaders and Emotions

Are you an emotional leader? I had a boss once who put his fist thru a wall. He got lucky. If he hits a stud, it's a broken hand, at least. But he hit pure dry wall and his fist went right thru. He was making a point. I don't remember what his point was, but it was obvious that he was angry. He was also out of control. Leaders can't afford to look out of control. Scare your team and they'll lose productivity faster than you can say "update the resume." I've lost my temper, too -- but never put my fist thru a wall (at work. I did once in college in the apartment where I lived, but that's another story. Oh, yes I did fix the hole.) Sure, leaders can have emotions. But if our emotions get out of control they get in our way. Our teams panic. Our customers walk. Our families cringe. I'm not advocating any kind of flat line robotics here. Enjoy your emotions. Cry. Laugh. Cuss if you need to. Enjoy the joy that's there in lif...

Perception Frames Your Problem

How do you know for sure if something is a problem? If you see it as a problem, then it is a problem. Your perception will tell you -- not reality, but what you consider important about your reality. If you see it as a problem, shouldn't you do something about it? Centered problem solving sorts through our perceptions and checks in with the perceptions of other people who are effected by the situation. Emotions can trigger misconceptions, so centering ourselves and testing our assumptions is key. Then, if it's still a problem, it's time to do something about it. -- Douglas Brent Smith Bring our Centered Problem Solving workshop to your location and dramatically increase the problem solving skills of the people who attend.

Are You In The Mood for Problem Solving?

Have you ever noticed people getting grumpy, just when they need to be at their best? Problems can bring out the skepticism in us. They can rankle our intentions and sour our mood. When that happens, don't deny it. Experience it. Let it find you in the moment and then let it go. Are you ready? Let it go. We can solve more problems in a good mood than we can in a sour mood. While we can't force a good mood, there's not much benefit to holding onto a discontented one. It's served its purpose once it has your attention. As a problem solver, it's time to move on. If your role is the leader in the problem solving effort, it's time to create a better space. Bring some things into the environment to build more comfort, trust, and energy: - food - water - soft music - light - warmth - confidence - acceptance - appreciation What else could you bring? What works best for you? What would work best for your group? Sour moods serve their purpose -- but...

High Performance Leadership

Search This Blog