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How to Control Defensiveness

Do you ever get defensive?

How does that feel? For me, I can feel my blood pressure raise just a little. I might start to perspire. I get edgy and look for either confrontation or escape. The problem with that reaction is that I probably don't need it.

How about you?

When we get defensive it's because something about who we are or what we think feels threatened. We're challenged into a kind of alertness that might serve us well if we're really in danger. But, if we're not really in danger it can get in our way.

Defensiveness gets in the way of hearing real feedback. It gets in the way of learning. It puts a wedge between us and another relationship. We can do better.

How can we control defensiveness?

Here's what works for me:

When I feel those flashes of defensiveness, pause. Breathe. Stay curious, rather than defensive. That feeling of defensiveness is a sign that we are in the middle of a learning opportunity. Stay open to what's there, and the learning arrives.

That does not mean that we must agree with whatever criticism is headed our way. The feedback could be wrong. It simply opens the possibility that we could be wrong, too. We have a chance to learn. We can clarify by staying curious.

Discovering when we've been wrong should make us more curious than defensive.

Feedback can be accepted without causing anybody any emotional harm. "Thanks for that, I'm going to need to think that over..." is a great way to respond. "I hear what you're saying, and I will be sure to process that...thank you..." is another.

Leaders who communicate for results stay open and curious about feedback. And, by setting that as a positive, curious example others learn how to become less defensive as well. If we want our teams to be productive, reducing the defensiveness helps.

How can you work to stay curious, rather than defensive?

-- Doug Smith

doug smith training: how to achieve your goals 

Front Range Leadership: High Performance Leadership Training


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Comments

  1. David SpiegelAugust 12, 2015 at 12:10 PM

    Understanding the difference between "feedback" and "criticism"....huge.....understanding how to deliver that message .....priceless!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doug SmithAugust 15, 2015 at 11:29 PM

      So true, Dave. Thanks for your comments! It's always great to hear from you.

      Delete

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