Skip to main content

How to Control Defensiveness

Do you ever get defensive?

How does that feel? For me, I can feel my blood pressure raise just a little. I might start to perspire. I get edgy and look for either confrontation or escape. The problem with that reaction is that I probably don't need it.

How about you?

When we get defensive it's because something about who we are or what we think feels threatened. We're challenged into a kind of alertness that might serve us well if we're really in danger. But, if we're not really in danger it can get in our way.

Defensiveness gets in the way of hearing real feedback. It gets in the way of learning. It puts a wedge between us and another relationship. We can do better.

How can we control defensiveness?

Here's what works for me:

When I feel those flashes of defensiveness, pause. Breathe. Stay curious, rather than defensive. That feeling of defensiveness is a sign that we are in the middle of a learning opportunity. Stay open to what's there, and the learning arrives.

That does not mean that we must agree with whatever criticism is headed our way. The feedback could be wrong. It simply opens the possibility that we could be wrong, too. We have a chance to learn. We can clarify by staying curious.

Discovering when we've been wrong should make us more curious than defensive.

Feedback can be accepted without causing anybody any emotional harm. "Thanks for that, I'm going to need to think that over..." is a great way to respond. "I hear what you're saying, and I will be sure to process that...thank you..." is another.

Leaders who communicate for results stay open and curious about feedback. And, by setting that as a positive, curious example others learn how to become less defensive as well. If we want our teams to be productive, reducing the defensiveness helps.

How can you work to stay curious, rather than defensive?

-- Doug Smith

doug smith training: how to achieve your goals 

Front Range Leadership: High Performance Leadership Training


key words:

Comments

  1. David SpiegelAugust 12, 2015 at 12:10 PM

    Understanding the difference between "feedback" and "criticism"....huge.....understanding how to deliver that message .....priceless!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Doug SmithAugust 15, 2015 at 11:29 PM

      So true, Dave. Thanks for your comments! It's always great to hear from you.

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Perfect Relationships

Is your partner perfect? Are you? I've made enough mistakes in my life and in my relationships to know that the search for perfection is illusive at best and at worst, frustrating. There are no perfect people out there waiting for us, to fall in love with us, to fix us, to bring us what we need, to fulfill our dreams. But that's OK. In fact, that's wonderful. We don't need a perfect person in order to create love. Love creates the perfect person. -- Douglas Brent Smith
4 comments
Read more

Strategic and Communication Skills

Supervisors often bring strong technical skills to the job. When they have worked in technical jobs prior to becoming a supervisor, they were often the best at what they do. They know the ground level part of their business well enough to solve problems and deal with day to day issues. Leading is all that and more. High performance leadership requires attention to detail AND a constant view of the big picture: where is your team, your market, and your customer base headed? What does the future hold? Strong supervisors learn to add strategic and communication skills to their technical ability. What are you doing today to develop your sense of the big picture? -- Douglas Brent Smith
Post a Comment
Read more

Brace Yourself On The Edge

Do you pride yourself in being cutting edge? Do you try new techniques, stay creative, build innovation instead of comfort? Good for you. And if you said no, allow me to encourage you to push the edge a bit more. Get out of your comfort zone. The really big goals makes us just bit uncomfortable. We might even sweat. Push the edge, even knowing that sometimes when you push the edge you get pushed back. People might object to the radical new approach. They might take exception to your changes. Push the edge anyway. Leading often means going where no one else has gone. All the way to the edge. Pack a lunch, it could take a while, but do stay with it. -- Doug Smith
Post a Comment
Read more

Win The Game

It would be nice to win the game. But, do you ever feel like you're in a game that keeps shifting the rules and making it easy to make progress but impossible to win? You've probably noticed lots of game elements creeping into service. Points, incentives, expiring coupons followed by new expiring coupons, leader-boards...on an on a relentless attack on service comes from playing a game designed -- you guessed it -- to maximize profit. If the customer is happy, fine, but the point is to make money. Not to put too fine a point on it but that's a lousy point.   What if there could be something better? What if customer service excellence became playing a game where the customer always wins and that makes you happy? You don't have to. "give away the store" to achieve a winning game for all of the players. Just stop stacking the rules against customers and watch how much more they will want to do business with you. -- doug smith
Post a Comment
Read more

Call Fewer Meetings

Do you have too many meetings? Many leaders do. Staff meetings, committee meetings, team meetings, project meetings, all-company meetings...the list goes on. Most of us can think of many meetings that were simply wastes of our time. Time is too important to waste is bad meetings. Do the people in your meeting want to be there? If not, maybe it's not a meeting that you need. Maybe there's another way to communicate your message. Maybe the work that is waiting is too important to wait. We can like the feeling of having a meeting. It feels like we're doing something. But if we're not -- if we are delaying real work, maybe we don't need that meeting after all. What scheduled meeting could you eliminate this week? Wouldn't it be nice to have that time to be...well, happy and more productive? -- Doug Smithy
2 comments
Read more

Creating Alignment

What is the connection between your actions and goals? How do your goals connect to your overall mission and purpose? Do you have a sense that what you do matters and gets you closer to accomplishing what is most important to you? High performance leaders align their actions to their goals and their goals to their mission. It's how they get things done that matter. It's the filter of success. Does that task that someone is asking you to do contribute to your purpose? Then do it. If it doesn't, negotiate another path, another step, perhaps another set of hands to get it done. Our time is too valuable to spend it on anything that does not contribute to our happiness, and our happiness is largely dependent on doing what matters most to us and that contributes to the well-being of others. We can run, we can hide, but without that alignment of action, goals, and mission how will we ever reach our potential? Alignment creates that guidance that w...
Post a Comment
Read more

Do Your Best With Time

Here's another guest entry from my good friend and fraternity brother David Spiegel. If you know anything about the East Coast you'll get a sense for how his day went. If you ever struggle with managing time, some of this may sound familiar. As Dave says, we can't really manage time -- it's what we do with it that matters. Now, let's hear what Dave has to share: In a week where I have dedicated myself to regaining control over my time , I have come to realize that I am trying to accomplish something impossible. Time is time. Every day has exactly 1440 minutes to it and no matter what we do,we can not create any more of it. So instead of creating more time we spend our energy trying to make better use of those precious minutes each day.We attempt to manage time.  Well guess what. We have no control over time. Time itself can not be managed. We can not speed it up or slow it down.  Do you know why a watched pot never boils? It's a time thing...
Post a Comment
Read more

Can You Make It Seem Inevitable?

I can remember certain times when leaders that I worked for were so influential and so convincing tht what they were promoting seemed inevitable. People realized, as in the Star Trek Next Generation shows, that "resistance is futile." Not because the leaders were ruthless. Not because the change was imposed (the way the Borg would impose it!) but because there was no stopping the change. When GE made a major move to go paperless, things happened that make resistance futile. Documents became easier to find online.  Approvals for information took online shortcuts. Copy machines and printers disappeared. We didn't completely eliminate paper, but we saved enough to fill many forests. When Whole Foods does Good Organics training, there's no ducking it. You don't get to choose. Leaders project the confidence, urgency, and insistence to make your change in knowledge deeper and inevitable. One of my favorite leaders of all time, Jim Hursey my high school track c...
Post a Comment
Read more

Letting Go

Are you working hard on any goals that you shouldn't be? Are some things getting in the way of your success? It's easy to accumulate a full schedule of meetings and tasks surrounding goals that were not ours to begin with but now consume all of our time. Bold leaders weed out those types of goals. Strong leaders focus on the goals that they align with their mission. High performance leaders let go of goals that don't belong. When we let go of the wrong goals it makes room for the right ones. Maybe that goal made sense at one time. Maybe it was thrust to you from someone else who meant well but who was not fully away of your mission or the list of goals you were already working on. Maybe the goal just doesn't belong to you. What goal should you let go of today? -- Douglas Brent Smith http://frontrangeleadership.com
Post a Comment
Read more

Embrace The Odd

Do you know anyone who is a little bit, umm, odd? Since I've worked in entertainment as well as business, and played in bands and made movies, I've known my share of odd people. People who have interesting habits that make them just a little different. Like collecting nail clippings in a jar (yes, someone I once lived with actually did that) or alphabetizing their yogurt in the refrigerator (yes, someone I'm quite sweet on does that). Odd can be good (except that same person with the yogurt does not like odd numbers) and extremely helpful when it comes to problem solving. Problems need new ideas, new ways of doing things. When we are solving problems, we need all the creativity that we can get. What greater source of creative ideas than a problem solving team member who is a bit eccentric? Who else would think of that game-changing idea? Who else could be more fun? An eccentric problem solver is still a problem solver. And that's what high performance leader...
Post a Comment
Read more